Thursday, December 3, 2015

Amazon buys Christmas

A little sarcasm and satire is good for you....

NORTH POLE (API) - Amazon announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas. The announcement was made at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's estate. 

In the deal, Amazon would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Amazon will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. 

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 2015, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Amazon. Amazon stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names will be very strict. 

When asked, "Why buy Christmas?" Jeff Bezos replied, "Amazon has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of the Kindle Fire." 

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Amazon logo, and a new Christmas 2016 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. 

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Amazon Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." He continued, "Our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2016. It will be bigger and better than last year." He further elaborated that "Amazon users who sign up with Amazon Prime will get sneak previews of Christmas 2016 as early as December first." 

Christmas 2015 is scheduled for release in December of 2015, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2016. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Amazon controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." 

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Bezos explained, "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. 

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizable, even for a man of Santa's stature." 

Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Seattle.


Live Long and Prosper....

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