New British Destroyer
Press Release to coincide with the introduction of the new
Type 45 Destroyers.
Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction
of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the
cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £750
million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in
addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the
ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health &
safety and human rights legislation.
They will be able to remain at sea for several months and
positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's
nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced
with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on
the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on
duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in
accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality,
and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in
line with Brussels Health& Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be
double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity
ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned
throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's Wardroom.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum,
Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be
replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended
to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by
request.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist;
it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices
on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members
will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even
the women. The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on
the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because
the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due
to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently
slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village
People played by the band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines.
Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the
new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be
escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the
south coast. The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the
very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to
comply with any new legislation". His final words were "Britain
never, never waives the rules!"
Live Long and Prosper....
