These jokes come from several sources, most notably my Irish Grandfather. Some are good, some are corny -but I liked them and I hope you do as well...
'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'
'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognize him?'
'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognize me cos I've never been away at all.
Jim Farrell went to America seeking his fortune and sent home a newly discovered rejuvenating drug, guaranteed to take years off a person's age.
"Try a course of these, mother,' he wrote. "I'll be home in six months - I can't wait to see the change in you.'
Six months came and went and Jim arrived at Dublin. Through the waiting throng at the airport came a stunning blonde girl pushing a baby carriage. 'Jim, don't you recognize me? I'm your mother. I took one of the pills and look at me!'
'In the name of heaven,' said Jim, 'what's that in the carriage?'
'Ach, that's your father, he took two pills!'
Chicken and Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Rafferty had been told to attend hospital for a minor operation, but he was afraid. So when the fateful morning arrived, he lay in bed determined not to go. 'Ring the hospital,' he said to his wife, 'and tell them I'm sick.'
'You get to hospital,' she answered. 'There's nothing wrong with you!'
So Rafferty arrived at hospital and was bathed, changed and safely tucked up in bed. 'Now,' said the nurse, 'you're to stay there and not get up. So let me know if you want a bed pan.'
'A bed pan?' roared Rafferty. 'Don't tell me we've got to do our own cooking!'
Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
I tapped you on the shoulder, but when you turned round it was neither of us!
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the hardware store man. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'God, the man is thin,' said Molly Flynn. 'He's like a set of teeth in a suit! If a door opens and no one comes in - that's him!'
The Casey twins were flying over the Sahara Desert when one said to the other: 'My God, look at all that sand. I wonder what they're going to build when the cement arrives?'
'What a miserable party,' said Murphy. The whiskey flowed like glue!'
'What would you be if you weren't Irish?' asked the barman. 'Ashamed! 'said Murphy.
'There was a terrible accident in the Irish Sea today. A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of blue paint. Both crews have been marooned!'
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
O.K., I'll stop - I told you some of these were corny, maybe you'll believe me next time. Now for the pictures; I shamelessly stole these from a friend who emailed them to me after they were emailed to her -I thought I'd share this "cure for plumbers crack" with you:
Live Long and Prosper...