Thursday, August 22, 2013

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

It’s time for another dive into the news stories that, well, you just can’t make this stuff up…

In June, following his guilty plea in Corpus Christi, Texas, to possession of child pornography, Jose Salazar, 70, offered to perform public service to reduce the 12-year sentence a federal judge had handed him. Salazar said he "had a lot to offer society," and could be "useful" --in mentoring children.

Tina Marie Garrison, 37, and her son Junior Lee Dillon, 18, of Preston, Minn., were charged  with stealing almost $5,000 worth of gopher feet from the freezer of a gopher trapper in Granger, Minn., and selling them for the local offered bounty of $3 per pair.    [I killed a gopher once. It was destroying my Mom's garden. --It was self defense, your honor. When my "No Trespassing" signs didn't work I confronted him in person and he pulled a gun on me.]

The governor of Gorontalo province in Indonesia decreed that female secretaries should be replaced immediately with males. He was responding to the excessive number of extramarital affairs by male bureaucrats with their female secretaries. ("Old women who are no longer attractive" could be hired, he said.)

Gerard Streator, 47, pleaded to public lewdness and placed on probation after his arrest for going through the motions of intercourse with a discarded couch on a public street. An off-duty police officer thought initially that he had caught a couple, but on closer inspection, he realized Streator (who was aroused) was alone. [I hear a Chinese company bought the couch to copy and market]

In Ostersund, Sweden, a 35-year-old man was arrested after a surveillance camera revealed him to be the one who repeatedly punctured Per Edstrom's bicycle's tires and who was then seen sitting on the bicycle pleasuring himself.

When Alcoa, Inc., prepared to build an aluminum smelting plant in Iceland, the government forced it to hire an expert to assure that none of the country's legendary "hidden people" lived underneath the property. The elf-like goblins provoke genuine apprehensiveness in many of the country's 300,000 natives (who are all, reputedly, related by blood). An Alcoa spokesman said that the inspection (which delayed construction for six months) was necessary: "We couldn't be in the position of acknowledging the existence of hidden people."

There are more, lots more, this is a really crazy rock we live on, but I’ll stop for now and give you time for the aspirin to work…

Live Long and Prosper….

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