Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Office of President to be Outsourced

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of January 1, 2015. The move is being made in order to save the President's yearly salary, and also a record $750 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 6 years.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).

"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Obama was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai, India) will assume the office of President as of January 1, 2015. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, as President Obama was not familiar with the issues either.

It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect staffing efficiency at the Dell call center. Special interests and lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts. It is thought that saving the billions of dollars now spent annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. economy.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Obama has used them successfully for years."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.

He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Obama has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators. 

Today's Reflection:
If you believe in telekenisis, raise my hand.

Live Long and Prosper...

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