The term Yankee or northerner refers to people who live in the northeastern part of the United States. New Englander is another name for them but not often used due to its lack of offensiveness. Yankees do not include people west of Minnesota even though they are in the northern United States.
Besides participating in the War of Northern Aggression, Yankees can be identified by a few distinct characteristics. These are as follows:
Anger – Yankees seem to always be angry. They communicate this anger verbally through constant cursing but also nonverbally using their car horn and middle finger. Northern anger is partly genetic due to inbreeding but it is also attributed to toxins found in northern air, soil and water. Some say that this aggression is from the cold weather but when a Yankee is relocated to a warmer climate the condition does not seem to change leading scientists to conclude that the problem is genetic. Pharmaceutical companies are currently developing medication for this condition but so far only alcohol seems to help. To be effective, alcohol must be administered in large quantities to everyone except the Yankee. If given the other way around the problem just becomes worse.
Rudeness -If you see people holding the door open for others or saying 'thank you', then you are either hallucinating or you are in the south. Southerners are famous for good food and hospitality, Westerners are famous for their pioneer spirit, Californians are famous for being laid back and Northerners are famous for being rude. If you want to be trampled at a concert, cut off in traffic, honked at, yelled at, cursed at, spit on, and ridiculed then just head north. This trait is also the reason for the unmarked graves often found along southern roadways.
Omniscience – In the north people are born knowing it all and die the same way. Again, the only explanation is bad DNA. Because they know everything they are the only ones that really need to talk. In a conversation your only job is to nod your head and grunt. Any attempt at talking on your part will be considered offensive to a Yankee. They truly want to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.
Arrogance – Possessing all knowledge inevitably leads to arrogance. Here are some things that northerners have to be proud of – high crime rates, poverty, pollution, overcrowded schools, illiteracy, homelessness, and political corruption.
Greed – They say that life is all about give and take. In the south we give. In the north, they take. While the south was busy inventing refrigeration the north was busy inventing white collar crime and toll roads. Here are some facts – The 10 greediest states, starting from the bottom, were New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Minnesota, Colorado, New York and Michigan. The 10 most generous states were, in descending order, Mississippi, Arkansas, South Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Utah, South Carolina and West Virginia. That pretty much says it all.
Tequila is a good drink. You drink it and feel like cactus. The only problem is that in the morning the thorns have grown inward.
Live Long and Prosper...