On one of my many visits to the French Quarter, I stopped in to say hello and enjoy the music. Needless to say, I was already feeling the effects of a Hurricane and a couple of Rum and Cokes before I arrived. I knew my limits so I wisely switched to Harp Lager to avoid excessive inebriation. Unfortunately, between sets my cousins would come down from the stage and we would do shots of Irish Whiskey while making toasts -Erin go bragh, Michael Collins, Down the Brits, etc.- By one o’clock in the morning, I was in a very good mood. That’s when Cousin Pat decided that he would introduce me to the well lubricated crowd and have me join them on the stage to sing the next few songs. I exited the stage an hour later to a standing ovation and felt like I had found a whole new calling in life.
Reality struck rather mercilessly a month later when I received a package from my good cousin. He had a video tape of my Grand Debut. Suffice it to say that immediately after watching the tape, I burned it in the barbecue on my patio and made a fast run to the grocery store for a large bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
My next visit to the French Quarter involved securing promises from each band member that no mention would ever be made of my performance -promises secured by several bottles of Irish Whiskey and sealed by a blood oath.
My singing is now limited to very, very private times. Although, I have toyed with an idea. I think I could make some good money by cutting a full album. I am certain I could sell it to the CIA to be used during enhanced interrogations.
On a positive note, I have discovered that there are quite a lot of people out there with singing voices even worse than mine. You can very often find them on buses and sitting in waiting rooms with earphones on their heads, rocking back and forth, singing away to the latest hit by Beyoncé or Justin Bieber.
Well, all is not lost. Maybe I can start a new career dancing. Of course, they’ll have to bring back the Waltz first... and I’ll have to invest in one of those “fall alert” devices you can hang around your neck…
Y’all have a blessed day now, hear?
Live Long and Prosper...