Thank you for your recent letter criticizing the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the Administration's Liberal Re-training Program, you'll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care.
Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed and so we can monitor your program's success.
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative. He does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely remedied.
Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your promised counseling and home schooling and loving care.
He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We suggest that you not ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next neighborhood gathering. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, notwithstanding that it may conflict with your rehabitation program and perhaps disrupt your maid's daily routine.
PLEASE heed the large orange notice ["Does not relate well with others"] attached to your detainee's cage which states our understanding of his belief and training.
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. Therefore, your water bill most likely will not be an additional expense. Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, and is especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.
Thank you for your patriotism and your willingness to ensure the Detainees are given the treatment and loving care suggested in your letter.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have very little influence on society.
Live Long and Prosper...